The Hidden Potential For Serious Injuries

We all know that love can hurt, but we don't like to dwell too much on the fact that it can also sometimes be extremely dangerous.

The world is full of vicious stalkers, serial killers and manipulative lovers. Con artists and STD's proliferate, and yes, these things are all dangerous, but it's the more deeply hidden dangers of love we will examine here.

The term 'deeply hidden' is used despite the fact that these dangers are actually far more common than the sinister perils mentioned above. This is because they are generally concealed at all costs!

And even though the injuries can be very severe, they are rarely spoken of or discussed outside of the doctor's office or hospital emergency room.

Why not? Because the victims are far too embarrassed to tell anyone about them, and one can certainly understand why. It will generally remain their secret shame, something giggled helplessly about by hospital nurses, orderlies and receptionists.

Each year millions of injuries are sustained around the world during the execution of what should be the simple and well-practiced act of sexual intercourse.

I use the term act rather than art, because there is nothing artful or remotely exciting about what happens to some people while attempting to let nature take its cataclysmic course, whether through misfortune or plain fecklessness.

More than a third of all adults will injure themselves during sex at least once. This goes quite a long way to explaining a few of the stranger offspring Wotta Tripp has encountered while ministering to some of the rather unusual families who have applied to her for help.

Her hands-on assistance has been asked for on numerous occasions by people living with the searing pain of failed attempts at procreation and this experience combined with her personal research has led her to see most vividly the intense dangers and repercussions of nearly all sexual activities.

Thousands are secretly and pitifully nursing fearsome sex injuries. Carpet burns on body-parts, broken furniture, smashed picture frames and holes knocked through the walls are only the first batch of escalating damage sustained during gentle foreplay, before the more visceral and war-like acts of love are perpetrated on one another.

Some of the catastrophic consequences of carelessly conducted coitus include:

• Penile fractures. This is a nasty one. Although there is no bone present in the penis, fracturing of the erect penis frequently happens due to blunt trauma & is a medical emergency that requires immediate attention, just not the sort originally hoped for. A sensual encounter ending in surgical repair is not something any involved party would usually want to discuss with other people. You just don't call in to work and tell them you won't be in due to a snapped penis.
• Trapped penises. Penises regularly become trapped inside common household objects (such as the hose attachments of vacuum cleaners) during sexual experimentation & have to be removed, sometimes even by fire-fighters with specialized equipment. Unfortunately, some types of people really enjoy this waste of resources.
• Similarly, objects that become stuck fast inside people's various orifices often have to be removed with professional help. As far as Dame Wotta Tripp is aware, there are no specialized task-forces created to deal with such emergencies, but recent statistics hint that perhaps there indeed should be some available for such unfortunates.
• Falling out of, off or through beds, washing machines, tables, chairs and all manner of appliances and vehicles, including motor bikes, cars, ironing boards and dryers can lead to nasty contusions, lacerations, bruises & hematomas, broken bones & internal injuries.
• Burns sustained from candle flames and hot wax can be serious enough to require medical treatment. Candles, thought to be romantic by many, can be horribly dangerous. Fortunately Dame Wotta Tripp will soon be offering for purchase 'Wotta Candle!' packs of 1 dozen fire-proof candles available in red, white, turquoise & assorted, & developed especially to promote safe sex & magick. People in the throes of passion can easily knock over candles, dumping burning hot wax into eyes, mouths, ears, up noses and onto skin & private parts. There is also a very real danger of being engulfed in flames, & no relationship can stand that kind of heat.
• Broken bones, such as fractured pelvises & collarbones are often caused by one partner falling suddenly on top of another, or one or more people being too rough during four-play, or even two or three-play. The more people involved the more opportunity for a variety of injuries are entirely possible.
• Injuries from shattered wine glasses & other breakable items are common, especially when sexual activity is taking place and people are not so aware of their precarious surroundings. Hurting themselves & each other, they fall off sofas & beds, crashing onto bottles and glasses & receiving unsightly random lacerations and impromptu minor surgery as they do so, usually requiring some more a little later on.
• Black eyes, fat lips & bruising can be sustained by sudden contact with flailing knees, elbows & other out-of-control body parts. How happy people are that they can easily explain away such minor injuries with a few simple lies!
• Damages received in vehicles include run-ins with clutches & gear sticks as well as wounds received from cars rolling into ditches & over steep edges with the unwitting & horrified passengers still frozen into the wonderfully awkward and amusing positions that only making out in a vehicle can provide.
• Falling together out of trees during sex is more common than you might think. Perhaps people believe they will find privacy in the high branches. Or maybe they are attempting to recreate experiences from the dawn of time, which they do manage, because people have been dropping heavily out of trees for thousands of years now.
• Injuries acquired on the stairs can include heavily bruised ribs, bruised or broken coccyges, general bruising, whiplash & other neck injuries, herniated discs, injured knees, contusions, scrapes, lesions & splinters.
• Animal attacks that take place inside the home usually come from pets. The animal, perceiving the unusual action and movement of sexual activity, can become confused, frightened or over-excited. They may think that an attack is taking place or that a game is underway. One way or another they tend to join in, often with painful consequences. People are routinely attacked by their dogs, cats, parrots & Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs while attempting to have sex. Sometimes the poor animal is hurt in the ensuing scuffle. Often men's testicles come under attack, probably because of their dangling and bouncy qualities, and having your scrotum stitched back up is no way to spend a Saturday evening.

• Animal attacks that take place outside can involve snakes, ants, deer, wasps, badgers, lions, wild pigs, wallabies, emus, porcupines, sharks, condors & many more exciting natural options, depending upon which part of the world you are having outdoor sex in. They are not by any means always lethal, and might make fascinating dinner-party anecdotes for years to come, especially if you now have an interesting prosthetic device.
• Slipping & sliding in the shower or bath during amorous encounters can lead to severe damage to the human frame, as well as to the bathroom itself. Heavy petting can become heavy bruising in a split second, totally deflating the moment and leading to irritation and possible later arguments.
• Being injured in cupboards usually happens during work-related sexual escapades, as there is usually no need to get into cupboards to have sex at home. If it is a janitorial cupboard, then there will be mops and brooms with hard handles, caustic substances, buckets, scrub-brushes, plungers and other options with blistering potential for doing plenty of traumatic violence to you or your friend's person.
• Crashing through doors, fences and windows after discovering the selected sills & panels are not sturdy enough to support the frenzied thrashing around of love's young dream has caused some very nasty injuries indeed & will surely be the cause of many more in the future. Certain people cause far less damage while lying down, boring though this might seem to them and their partners.
• Simple strains & sprains, including torn muscles & tendons are among the tamest of the injuries reported to occur during sex, but they still sometimes require medical attention and explanation.

Remove Dangerous Objects Before Sex
Similar to child-proofing a room, preparing an area of your house (or anywhere else) for safe sex is largely a matter of common sense. Of course, this poses quite a problem for some people.

Add to this the fact that some of the more potentially hazardous items are ones that are deliberately included in a scene created for romance and the stage is set for a possible visit to your local emergency room.

Here Are A Few Helpful SafetyTips:

• Be very, very careful using household objects as sex toys.
• Place lit candles where nothing & nobody can knock them over.
• Avoid closets and very small spaces for attempting sexual activities in.
• Remove all breakables and glassware from the vicinity before having sex.
• Don't have sex in trees & shrubbery.
• If you don't know if it can support your combined weight, then don't lean on it!
• Do not bend the erect penis too far - it can snap just like a fresh carrot.
• Use a safety mat in the bath or shower.
• Place your pets in another room. No animal should have to witness what you are about to get up to.

Remember Dame Wotta Tripp's excellent advice and always practice safe sex!

 

Pestilential partners who are a danger to themselves and society do not make good bed-fellows, and they rarely develop even adequate parenting skills.