You are here because you believe you are ready for love in your life, or at the very least marriage, and your dearest wish is to have Dame Wotta Tripp match you with a mate you can find some happiness with at long last.

Behind you are doubtless a seemingly endless string of relationship disasters, probably even previous marriages. Nothing so far has worked for you and you're ready to give up.

Well, almost, because there is one more option left available to you, and so you are finally in the right place.

Dame Wotta Tripp uses state-of-the-art quantum technology to determine exactly who you really are deep inside at many different levels.

Do not be frightened, for the test is pain-free and you will not feel it when Wotta Tripp takes one molecule of your essence for testing. You will not miss it. On the contrary, you will automatically magnetise it back to yoursef almost immediately. This is a natural process, and it will return to you as if tied to an elastic thread.

Wotta Tripp will not keep your molecule by stealth and file it away in a special de-magnetised hermetically sealed tungsten, lead and quartz crystal container for possible later use, as an unscrupulous one almost certainly would.

No! She will use it to obtain for you your perfect mate, compatible in every way!

To apply for your immaculately matched spouse, you must carry out the instructions that will follow to the letter. As this is not a government-owned web site, there are no complicated and snooping forms to fill in, or tomes of mind-warping instructions to obey.

Dame Wotta Tripp assumes you can follow instructions to the letter, thereby both ensuring a reply and proving you are bright enough for marriage, and probably bright enough to procreate as well, if you haven't already.

You must write an email to Wotta Tripp that includes the following:

• Your full present name, age and date of birth
• The preferred sex of your partner-to-be 
• A short essay on why you want to be married and what you expect from such a union
• Written permission to snare one molecule of your essence for analysis 

When 'Wotta Arrangement' receives your request as instructed you will be contacted via e-mail with a price list, an e-pamphlet and a contract.

Please note that if you would also like a complimentary genetic check you should complete the following steps at the same time that you order your new partner: 

There is an image below. It is a picture of the Shoe of Wotta. 

You must give it a proper kiss (although not French, please) and leave an actual set of lip-prints on your monitor screen.

This is how Wotta Tripp will obtain your DNA sample, and this is all she will need from you, apart from the molecule.

Please remove any lipstick, lip gloss or medicated creams before complying.

If for any reason your monitor screen freezes, please do not apply your tongue to it as it will get stuck and you could sustain a nasty burn.

Thank you. DWT.