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Fowl Play 

September 28 2011 
Written by: Dame Wotta Tripp Advice 

 
Did The Chicken Really Ever Even Cross The Road?
 
Dear Dame Wotta Tripp,
We have all heard the old canard about 'Why did the chicken cross the road'?

I have researched this matter comprehensively, questioned many witnesses, and delved right to the root of this age-old question.

I have been unable to uncover any definitive proof that the chicken did actually cross the road.

There were many reports of the chicken walking along the side of the road - indeed - one staggering along the side of the road (probably due to the ingestion of fermenting grain ), dozens of accounts of the chicken walking away from the road, and just one case where the chicken was observed sitting in the middle of the road.
 
In the latter incident the witness did not actually see the bird proceeding from the side of the road to the centre.

Therefore any subsequent movement of the bird to the side of the road could constitute a return rather than the completion of a traverse.
This being so, I believe I can fairly state that this old canard is "out for a duck".

For the purposes of this exercise I have defined “road" as being any designated route with common access to the public and so used.

If any of your readers wish further debate on this subject doubtless you will allow them access to your excellent site.

Stephen F*wler


Dear Stephen,
I myself censored your name. It may be your real name, in which case I apologize, but judging from the puns I detected in your letter it could merely be an ill-justified grab for attention which I won’t tolerate in my advice column.

Although I agree that my site is excellent, thank you, I am left wondering what it is you want advice with. I fail to detect a problem concerning chickens, although I am not so sure about your self.

As far as researching chickens traversing roads goes, I feel you may have been double-crossed.

Angry
 
 
Have you considered the chicken’s reality?
 
Does any chicken in actuality cross a road, is it aware of a road, and might the road in fact cross the chicken?
 
Does the chicken even really exist at the level at which we believe we may perceive it?

A particular friend of mine is Mother Goose. She is a fount of cryptic wisdom and if anyone knows, it will be her.
 
Next time I take a cup of chocolate with her I shall ask her.

 
 
On the one hand I do not wish my advice column, which was created to aid the desperately and pitifully inept, to become a forum for the discussion of poultry.
 
 On the other hand, I do detect a keen scientific interest in certain esoteric subjects and encourage you to explore this unusual and slightly dangerous fetish elsewhere.
 
I am as I write to you also struggling with my answer to an elderly lady who failed to say no to a small flood of ostriches in her youth and is now burdened with thousands of the birds, resenting them so thoroughly in light of her wasted life that she is at this moment considering how she might best bring about their demise.
 
Ask and the internet shall provide: A kind soul pointed out to me only recently that there are at least two online groups whose only purpose is to collect audio recordings of human hiccups., which they are continually craving to hear. 
 
This indicates that you will have little trouble attempting to locate people who are addicted to fowl, which are far more common.

You may do well to curb your roadside explorations and curtail your appetite for tales of traveling poultry and instead join a secure group of online poultry fanciers.
 
There are probably hundreds of them, with ratings from general to adult. Who knows down or across which roads this may lead you in the future, with or without a chicken?

I am also worried that your letter and invitation for input will prompt a flood of mischievous letters and comments regarding birds, and then I may have to deal with people a little harshly.
 
Readers, be warned! I don’t always like being forced to punish people, but I will  always go ahead and do so if it becomes necessary!

Regards,
Dame Wotta Tripp
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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