Dump Your Cheating Lover!
It is very difficult for me to write this letter but it must be done. For some time now things have not been satisfactory between us, and I now firmly believe this situation to be irrevocable.
Could this be because you are a cheating SOB and a two-timing, double-crossing weak-minded bastard who has been constantly and consistently lying to me? You probably started lying to me before we even met, to pave the way, as it were.
At least your behaviour means that I don't have to find something nice to say about you in parting, because that would be a technical impossibility at this point.
When we met I was full of hope that you would be the one, and what a one you turned out to be!
After a decade of selfish, self-serving men, you were the tainted icing on top of the poisonous cake, my final venomous taste of love.
I have at last learned my lesson. Never again!
PS By the way, don't dare ask me about the stocks after you spent most of my inheritance.
PPS As far as I'm concerned, stocks come in only two types, the ones I am keeping as an investment and reminder of the mistake I made, and the ones you should be sitting in right now.
PPPS I have packed all your things and put them on your mother's front porch. Unfortunately, all your shoes accidently got soaked in a bucket of gasoline while I was packing them. Also, all of the pants that you have are now shorts. I'm hoping it will encourage you to emigrate to Australia. You will find the left arm of each shirt, sweater and jacket you own cut off and packed separately, but I did iron them afterwards, perhaps a little too well, but It's the last thing I could really do for you. Your computer looked dirty to me, so I put it through the dishwasher along with your paperwork and DVD collection. I would have done more, but I'm simply exhausted from all of this, so I think you got off rather lightly.