Permanently Alienate The Mother-in-Law From Hell!

My Dearest Connie,

My God, what an evil, decrepit, loathsome and hideous old hag you are! If your daughter bore the slightest resemblance to you, I would strangle her as she slept and set fire to the remains.

Thankfully - so far - she does not.

Your poor husband, the dear departed Des, well, he actually had to die to escape your reign of terror. They used to call him 'Desperate Des the Dead Loss' behind his back, but the family call you 'Cthulhu Connie' behind yours.

You have systematically attempted to split Chrissie and myself up since we became a couple.

The first time we met in the Spotted Dick restaurant you deliberately tripped me up when I tried to leave the table to visit the washroom, humiliating me in front of all those other people who I was also meeting for the very first time.

I knew then that I had an implacable enemy who hated me for taking her only daughter away - not that you treated her very well when she was with you, because you're such an obsessive-compulsive, narcissistic and sadistic control freak that you have no clue how to behave decently in the first place.

I know it was you who stole my Christmas bottle of scotch because I saw you, you miserable old cow. And I strongly suspect you left the cage door ajar so that Puddle could escape. We searched half the night and she never did come home. We were gutted!

Chrissie doesn't know I'm writing to you. If she knew she'd probably be upset, but then she's had enough of you now as well, so maybe not so much. The stress is sending her into an emotional tail-spin.

You will have to invite her to your own home if you want to see her from now on.

I can't allow you to visit us here anymore, because a man should not have to defend himself physically from his mother-in-law in his own home. Twice now I have had to seek medical attention.

A visit from you should not result in my visiting the local emergency room.

As I write my knee is still throbbing lightly from the blow you delivered it with the waffle iron last week.

The month before that I had to get four stitches in a wound I sustained as you were hurling flowerpots at me while calling me a useless, fat, ugly slob.

I am taking out a restraining order against you, so, you vile old harridan, stay away. Every time I see you my eyes bleed.

You are a MILFH - Mother-In-Law From Hell - and for that the only cures I know of are a silver bullet or a stake through the heart, and I, for one, am far too scared of you to make an attempt on your detestable and noxious old life.

Don't come near me again because I have purchased a taser and will not hesitate to use it and afterwards have you arrested and charged!

Begone, foul goblin!

Your affectionate son-in-law.

Jake