Lose Your Selfish, Unreliable Friend!
I think the time has come for some changes to be made.
I know we have known each other practically forever, and that you consider yourself to be a good friend of mine, even perhaps slightly more, but your opinion has not exactly been valid for quite some time now as far as I am concerned.
Thinking back, you always were a bit selfish. Do you remember the time you copied my homework for weeks and when they found out you blamed me? They believed you! You probably don't remember because it meant very little to you, because you weren't the one who was grounded for weeks in the summer.
And the telephone box incident. They believed you then, too. Later you stole away my first lover - until you got bored. Not long after that you crashed my new car when you 'borrowed' it one night, and then presented it as a fait accompli in the morning.
Throughout our relationship you've continued the habit of launching such pre-emptive strikes against me, your supposed friend.
You disappeared for two years without so much as a word. Strangely, things began to run smoothly for me. Now you're back in my life and everything's turned upside down once again. I'm beginning to see the light.
The trouble is, I don't believe you anymore. I don't believe in you anymore, Benjy.
I have thought very deeply about all this, and there are certain things I feel I must take issue with.
When you told Percy that you saw me with Robin going into The Purple Koala, he repeated it, because he didn't realise that Nigel would get upset when he found out and tell Philly about the private club.
Percy also mentioned the velvet cushions incident, and you were the only other person who knew about it, apart from Muffy, so you must have told Percy because Muffy has been in re-hab, incommunicado, for over six weeks now. Philly got very jealous, feeling left out, and he gave Robin a black eye when they last ran into each other.
So when Philly also told Mark and Lester, they all got together, and according to Percy, you threw me under the bus and blamed it all on me, when you know it was all your idea in the first place and I was just doing you a favour.
A lot of trouble, Benjy, a lot of trouble.
You did not take my side or support me as a true friend would have done. In fact, it seems to me that you caused most of the trouble in the first place - as usual.
To top it all off, when I asked you outright to back me up, you claimed you didn't want to be the meat in the sandwich, but it seems to me now that you were always rather more the mold on the bread.
I will return your Alice Cooper CDs, Smurf paraphernalia and the life-size plastic Darth Vader next Tuesday when I'm in town and at that time I would like my butterfly collection and all my vintage Rupert Bear annuals back.
I have just finally dismantled the Lego Deep Underground Military Base that we built together years ago. Life is cruel, but we both have to move on.
Due to this last incident, we can't be friends any more, and so after next week I would rather you didn't contact me again. No texts, no calls, no cards, no post-it notes.