Twyla Pipstaff, the Darn Good Telling Off You Ordered Has Now Arrived
Note: Please make sure you have been to the bathroom and taken any prescribed medication before you read this missive. Each Darn Good Telling off contains a small but effective spell designed to maximize the effects of the castigation you are about to receive. Consult your family doctor before reading this letter if you are overly sensitive or in poor physical or mental health.
To Twyla Pipstaff:
To have to leave work of import in her busy, ordered day in order to deal with you, Twyla, is rather a lot to expect, don't you think? And yet you have contacted Dame Wotta Tripp, perhaps thinking that this is a joke, and that you may not really deserve what you are going to hear from her. Alas!
It is a misconception, yet another mistake that you have made in a life that may be ready to crumble rapidly into little pieces.
My, my, but you have been a naughty girl, haven't you? The things that Wotta Tripp has seen!
After viewing you, she feels that your activities leave very little to the imagination, wouldn't you agree? You know that this is true! And yet you persist in misbehaving, day after day after day. Where will it all end?
The excuses you make up to tell to yourself and other people are all so much codswallop and blatherskite, as you well know. Deep down you are very aware of all of this!
Do not be chicken-spirited any longer! You can be anybody you wish to if you apply yourself properly to the business of life. it is time to don your big-girl knickers and do the right thing.
You know that you have three fairly serious bad habits, one of which could possibly pose a serious future problem to your freedom.
A fairly serious bad habit is one that threatens the quality of your own or someone else's life, and one of them especially is a threat to both you and those you claim to love so much.
Be brave. Seek counselling. You know that you can't go on like this.
1. I see that you are smoking upwards of 30 mentholated cigarettes a day. I also see that you can overcome this particular habit fairly easily if you make the attempt. It will be well worth it, for I note it will radically improve your health, leaving you with more energy to misbehave with.
2. Lying continually and obsessively to suit your own selfish desires and manipulate the people around you will not make you happy in the end. In fact, Dame Wotta Tripp detects that you are about to tell a massive lie to someone very close to you. Take heed! An untruth on the scale you are planning can have dire repercussions, and indeed on this occasion if you do go ahead, the result will be calamitous for all concerned. This will end with a vote of no-confidence in you from your closest friends and relatives due to their complete loss of trust in you. This will be swiftly followed up by a black eye, public exposure and a court case which you will lose.
3. Your worst habit, a continuation of which could land you in prison, is the one which will be hardest to quit. Put your special, unique and disturbing home-made nurses outfit away, or preferably burn it, and do not frequent the public swimming-baths or movie-theatres any more looking for and accosting people with hiccups. Your fledgling book, 'The Hiccup Files', will never be completed, and this is both good, right and proper. Burn it along with the costume.
If you can curb these rogue tendencies then perhaps you can finally begin to make some real progress. Dame Wotta Tripp will make some minor adjustments in your auric field, but quite frankly you have made her feel very cross very early in the morning.
You are an irritating little thing and it would be fairly tempting to give you a very hard astral slap upside of the head but Wotta Tripp is above indulging in such behaviour in any dimension for such petty reasons. As it is, you will receive the Wrath of Wotta, free, and it will sneak up on you when you least expect it.
So to please she who takes the time to write these admonishments, and to help yourself as well, kindly complete the following simple tasks:
· Each evening for 7 days after receiving this missive you must take a hot bath into which has been poured 4 cups of strongly brewed fresh coffee (with no fancy flavours). Stay in the bath for at least 20 minutes and during that time, submerge yourself completely in the water at least 3 times. When you get out remain naked or wrap a towel around yourself, but do not rub yourself dry. It's most important that you allow yourself to air-dry. Go straight to bed when only slightly damp. Shower in the morning
· Carry out a spontaneous good deed, small or large, each day for 7 days after receiving this missive. If you watch closely, at least one opportunity will present itself every day
· Clean your apartment properly and collect all the things you will never use or wear and give them to charity or have a garage sale
And Twyla, work on the bad habits mentioned previously, and if you can't clear your mind of thoughts of hiccups, seek counselling!
The terrible and ancient Wrath of Wotta descends now upon your bowed and waiting head!
Dame Wotta Tripp