Eliminate Your Crooked Business Partner
April 4 2012
Notice to Clint Fallenhoof, my business partner for the last 13 years:
Well, Hi There, Clint!
Here is the letter you never expected to get, but are getting nevertheless. Of course, it's not going to be pretty, but then, neither are you, so let's get down to 'business', as it were.
By the time you read this I will be many miles away, sunning myself on a lush semi-tropical beach, sipping self-congratulatory iced champagne & having a long awaited and very well deserved vacation.
The honeymoon stage of our business association ended a long time ago, but your recent infidelities almost left me broken, financially speaking. Luckily for me I was able to redeem my original assets with no loss of interest.
Before I left for my holiday, I made sure I completed the following little tasks. I:
· Paid and thanked the private detective who confirmed my suspicions regarding your, er, extracurricular business dealings. She not only delivered the information, she delivered the proof, which is reclining safely in a place you will never be able to find. Just in case, Clint...
· Paid and thanked the expert I hired who helped me move every single last red cent of the money you thought I would never find out about to an extremely secure bank account offshore. I have now got back my original investment and a very nice profit for all my hard work.
· Closed out our joint accounts - they were empty anyway after I had finished with them.
· Sold both company cars - I'm sure you'll soon find a way to get another one. Perhaps you can con some little old lady. You've had plenty of experience, after all.
· Severed all relationship with our previous clients (except the ones I'm taking with me) and closed out the business. I'm starting again. All's fair in love and business, Clint, wasn't that more or less your motto?
· Left all the necessary papers with my solicitor for you to sign, relinquishing your share of the business and profits and dissolving the partnership. Oh, and by the way, I have also left you $500 in an envelope so that you can get a cheap room while you figure out what (or who) the hell you're going to do next.
You should also know that I have in my possession a videotape of you indulging in a rather unusual fetish with the niece of Mr. Green, the man you stole the plans for the 'A-1 Recreational Water Balloon' from.
I'm sure that if I am harassed in any way following your perusal of this letter that both Mr. Green and the FBI would be most interested in knowing more about your 'business' activities and transactions over the last 4 years or so, for which I now of course have the pertinent records.
I raise my chilled champagne glass to you - good luck Clint!
Your erstwhile partner