Dame Wotta Tripp Advice Who is Dame Wotta Tripp? Wotta Tripp's Credentials Personals Night Letters Romance and Relationship Advice Confessional Absolutely Scandalous! - Dame Wotta Tripp's Internet Forum Contact! Advice Letters Site Map Terms of Use and Site Policy



Swarming With Dwarfs At The 'Ferrets Revenge'! 

October 3 2011
Written by: Dame Wotta Tripp Advice 

He Can Never Eat off His Scrubbed Pine Table Again!
Dear Dame Wotta Tripp,
I’m writing this in the vain hope it will be published. My desire is to expose those responsible, but the best I can hope for at this point is compassion.

I’m a single man living in an English village which is picture-perfect. Unfortunately, like most things, it is not as it seems, and I know this to my cost.

Like many British men, I value my pint. I’ve drank locally at‘The Ferrets Revenge’ all my adult life, and most of my world seemed pretty OK until about a week ago.

Recently my local changed hands, and it was bought by Bert and Dolly Crawford, a couple from London, outsiders. Both hard as brass, and she no better than she should be. Once a right scrubber, I should say. Everything changed for the worse, including the service.

It was a fine summer night that gave no forewarning of what was to occur. I not only ate at the Revenge that awful night, I also drank a fair amount, which was unusual for me.

Just after last call I was suddenly seized with violent stomach cramps and had to use the WC. I was dreadfully ill and couldn’t leave the toilet. I heard people coming and going loudly, flushing and chattering over my low groans.

I must have sat there, back and arse aching, for about an hour. It finally became quiet in the toilet but I could dimly hear noise flaring and dying away again as people went home for the night, and afterwards the clinking noises of bar clean-up in the distance.

Finally all fell silent, and I was beginning to worry about how I would get out of the pub and manage to also lock the outside door without having to explain my embarrassing predicament.

Naturally, I felt a right pillock. I don’t mean to harp on about toilets, but they do figure in the story.

At last I felt recovered enough to venture forth. I was just about to exit the bathroom when I heard noises. A door opened and then shut and voices and footsteps could be heard in the distance.

At first I was mortified and had almost decided to stay in the toilet ‘til morning, but suddenly I heard a pitiful sobbing begin, followed by shouting and scuffling. Then I heard Dolly’s voice, raised in anger: “You three little bleeders will dance if I tell you to!”

Timidly I pushed the door open an inch and peered out into the dimly lit corridor. I simply could not believe what I saw!

Huddled together in the corridor were three male dwarfs dressed only in spangled loincloths.

Standing over them in a towering rage was Dolly, and one of the dwarfs was nursing the side of his head and whimpering. Bert and two other men stood further back in the shadows. One of them held what to my horror appeared to be a cattle prod.

It was clear to me that what was occurring wasn’t normal. These dwarfs were in thrall to these people, probably owned outright with money having changed hands.

I listened in shocked disbelief as the evildoers discussed plans to exploit these three small and currently defenseless men (three out of an apparent stable of twenty-seven) in a cruel betting ring that traveled on a revolving after-hours pub circuit.

This resulted in them being forced to wrestle each other, sometimes in an oiled pit filled with writhing grass snakes while heavy betting took place on all sides.
Afterwards, while everybody relaxed with a cigarette and a drink, they would be tossed from person to person round a table of drunken revelers.
I felt a fierce licking of rage begin somewhere inside me and slowly grow. I am not a brave man, Dame Wotta, but unable to stand by listening to this violation of all that is good and true a moment longer, I rushed screaming out into the corridor, fists up and ready.

When I had been picked up, hit again, and once more dragged upright, I hung limply between two large and burly men while Dolly told me what they were going to do to me.

I do remember begging while she ordered Bert to fetch the small funnel and a warm brandy and Rohypnol.

The last thing I remembered was thinking I might possibly choke as warm liquid was poured down my throat through a small funnel.

 Very Ill Used
When I came to I was lying on the cold and damp village green fully clothed. Even though I was confused and groggy I knew I had been ill-used.

It was about six am and fully light, but luckily nobody was around.
I managed to get on my feet and stagger back to my home without being seen.

In the bathroom I needed two mirrors to view the lewd graffiti that covered my entire body, apparently perpetrated with a cheap red marker pen by some illiterate yob.

None of the crude statements were remotely true, at least not until last night.

I stood under the shower, letting the hot cleansing water flow over my battered, now fully shaved and abused body. Nothing in my social education had ever prepared me to deal with anything of this nature.

I knew I had to go to the police for the sake of the poor enslaved men I had witnessed at the Ferret, yet it was the last thing I felt like doing.

Hurling my bruised body onto my lonely single bed, I allowed myself the luxury of a good roaring sob.

An hour or so later I felt recovered enough to make my way to the kitchen. Swallowing down some Paracetamol with whiskey laced coffee; I also ate two chocolate bars and some cereal with milk to fortify myself.

Soon I was dressed and ready to go to the police station, finally willing to tell my story. As I was combing my hair there came the familiar sound of something being posted through the mailbox. It thudded heavily onto the mat.

On the hall floor lay a large yellow envelope. I picked it up, puzzled. There was no address, stamp or postmark on it. I returned to the kitchen and opened it.

Dame Wotta, I cannot describe the feeling that gripped me as I viewed the awful contents.

Photograph after photograph of myself in every conceivable state of degradation and vileness lay before me on my scrubbed pine kitchen table.

I will never be able to eat off it again.

Turning from the terrible sight of myself being ravished while wearing a pale orange taffeta gown (with a beautiful matching underslip), and then again, in pink, well actually in an entire rainbow of stylish clothing, I fell to the floor in a fit of pique.

It was the most agonizing shock to see myself swarming with dwarfs in this unseemly and terribly mischievous way.

I know they couldn’t help it, I know they were forced, but I could never go to the police after seeing those dreadful images. I could never hold my head up again.

I know I will not be allowed to ever live this down.

That evening when I went for my pint at the Revenge, I don’t think I imagined that Bert and Dolly were sneering and whispering about me behind the bar, nor that their repeated references to my ‘little problems’ were a coincidence.

Only the final photograph is fit to be viewed, and I send this to you, Dame Wotta, so you can see where I was left in the morning. Please include it as a warning to your viewers!

What do I do now?
David Onderdonk

Dear David
What a to-do!

As I see it you don’t have a lot of options. You can either risk the ridicule of the entire village or you can come to terms with a simple fact of life.

Dwarf Tossing and other similar extreme sports have been outlawed in most countries, and the UK is no exception. Despite this fact, it continues unabated nearly everywhere, as it has done for many thousands of years.

Why human beings wish to exploit each other like that is beyond me, but then, I am not entirely human.

Stumbling upon this ring of slave-keeping tossers while indisposed was not a wise movement, but I fully expect the food was to blame. The kitchen standards in an establishment of this nature are likely to be lax at best!

I expect your new friends were made to behave in this manner by the owners of The Ferret’s Revenge.

I do understand a man’s loyalty to his local, but I believe it might be wise to drink elsewhere just for a couple of weeks until the fuss has died down, and then don’t ever stay until closing time again.

Do not judge too harshly, allow people time to change, for sometimes they do.

Life is awesome, strange and wonderful; I know I thought so while reading your letter!

I do not expect this will happen to you again - simply a one-off due to the circumstances you found yourself in.

I believe you must attempt to forgive and forget for the common good. There are still plenty of places to get nice frocks, by the way.

I expect in a better world we would all be very good friends.

Of course, if you feel the need for private counselling or wish me to provide you with a dining experience best served a bit chilly you may contact me for a price list to avail yourself of my considerable powers.

Best of luck to you,
Dame Wotta Tripp
Advice Letters Njght Letters Home Shop!


Dame Wotta Tripp Is For Hire!
Pay her good money to destroy your rival's (or your own) website, magazine or company with her exemplary advice and articles. No business too large!


"Once you see her, you will never forget her" is exactly true, when you're talking about DWT. Dazzling demonstrations of mind reading! She had the audience in the palm of her hand & blew us away by accurately revealing our inner thoughts! She divulged phone numbers, social security numbers, personal addresses & the names of lovers, all while still making us laugh, smile and dance!"

- Trend Realty Executives Awards 

Dame Wotta Tripp drew vast amounts of business my way due to the publicity surrounding the court case - I would recommend her writing with absolutely no reservations (it's too late anyway) wottsoever.

- London Ted

"We thank Dame Wotta Tripp again for her  presentation which was incredibly entertaining and frankly, astounding! Those of us who are still working here look forward to seeing her at next year's culling."

- Black Tide Commerce, Inc. 

Dame Wotta Tripp Can Help Even You

Click on the picture above to see how Wotta Tripp can help even you!

"All  barriers of race and custom disappeared because of her phenomenal audience interaction. The fact that Wotta Tripp got a lengthy standing ovation from this diverse group as they tried to find the exit before smoke engulfed the building shows that she is the absolute best!" 

- Grieve & Associates


"The rave reviews about Dame Wotta Tripp 's performance are still circulating . Her sizzling presentation wrapped up our awards banquet, both at the Yacht Club and afterwards in the hospital emergency room. She blew us out of the water!"   

- Edge Commerce 2011 Global Sales Kick-Off


"Dame Wotta Tripp's customized presentation reinforced our message of client connectivity in a unique and memorable way, while her mentalism demonstrations were not only out of this world, but also eerie! How does she know so much? How does she tell you not only the city and address of your home, but then also describe what the rooms look like from the inside and how you behave in them when you're having an episode?"

- Beyond Hope Mental Health Association 


"Dame Wotta Tripp brought laughs, amazement, and fun to our meeting, providing magic audience participation, with people repeatedly appearing and disappearing all night long. This set a perfect tone for our year's-end meeting."

- Association for the Visually Impaired


"Thankfully, there is no way that anyone else can do what Dame Wotta Tripp does. During cocktails Dame Wotta mingled with us all and performed some of her one-on-one psychic readings and then remained after her presentation for almost twelve hours, reading minds and talking to our customers, all the while keeping the exit doors magically locked ... incredible!"

- Entwhistle Locksmiths' Association


"At our National Manager’s meeting Dame Wotta was fantastic. Her informative, inspirational, yet entertaining presentation struck straight to the heart of the matter. Right after the event her books went flying right off the table! Fortunately, there were few injuries reported and the evenings undertakings continued in a sensational manner. Nobody can hold a candle to her!"

- Phoenix Casket Company, Inc. 


"Dame Wotta Tripp's performance stopped traffic & mesmerized the crowd. However, she didn’t stop there, creating a huge buzz at our show by drawing thousands of attendees & successfully driving qualified leads right through our booth. The loud splintering noises attracted a huge crowd. You get more than your money's worth, when you use Wotta Tripp!"

-  Fortune Construction Ltd.


"Dame Wotta Tripp did a fantastic job helping our movement become the center of attention on the trade show floor. We more than doubled our total traffic and had a whopping increase in leads. We have never, ever had to change the toilet rolls at our trade show before - we had to change them twice this year! The best money we’ve ever spent!"

- Blinding Insight Movement


 Dame Wotta Tripp Advice
 Who is Dame Wotta Tripp?
 Wotta Tripp's Credentials
 Interview with DWT
 DWT Can Help Even You!
 Cat's Corner - Ishfold, Mog & Widgeon
 Paws for Thought
 Announcing Ishfold's First Novel!
 Hexting - The Power of a Cat's Curse
 Felidicta - A Cat's Dictionary
 Letters to Ishfold
 Is Dame Wotta Scary in Real Life?
 Cats Everywhere!
 Does Ishfold Have A Girlfriend?
 How To Stop Coughing
 Justine Is A Bit Curious
 What Is Hyperspace?
 Helping André to Be Himself
 Star Kittens
 Simply Beastly Book
 Digestive Issues
 A Cat's Tail
 Fast And Nasty
 Perfect Mashed Potatoes Every Time
 Out in the Open - Essays by Ishfold
 The Jellyfishies
 Procuring A Human
 Naming Your New Kitty
 Where Does Your Cat Or Kitten Sleep?
 Cat Grooming
 It May Be Your Fault That Your Cat Is Going Bald!!
 The Horse Chestnut Tree
 Cats Are Absolutely Wonderful!
 Making Guests Welcome
 Looking Reproachfully At People
 Opposable Thumbs and Wings
 Send an E-Card
 Wotta Tripp Dating
 Cold Dawn
 My Spud-Muffin
 Pixie Pleasures
 Stalk Only Me
 Sweet 'n' High
 Wotta Arrangement! - Marriages Arranged Just For You
 Please Arrange My Marriage, Wotta Tripp!
 Place A Personal Advertisement Free
 Dating Testimonials
 Night Letters Romance and Relationship Advice
 How To Meet The Right People
 How To Behave When You Go On A Date
 The Dangerous Side Of Love
 Your Decision - Ethics Versus Morals
 How To Become More Confident
 Do Your Emotions Betray You?
 Effective Communication
 How Can I Save My Relationship?
 Money And Romance
 Turn The Heat Up Under Your Relationship
 Keeping Your Relationship Fresh
 In-Laws And Other Monstrosities
 Interference And Manipulation
 Teen Romance
 Is Your Partner Having An Affair?
 How To Catch Them Cheating!
 The Break-Up
 Moving On
 Night Soil - A Moon-Garden of Tips for a Better Relationship
 Secrets Of The Night
 Moth Wings
 Foods Of Love
 The Real Taj Mahal
 Secrets Of Attraction
 The Nature Of Dreams
 Dream Lovers
 Lover's Moon - Love Spells
 Just Two Little Words
 Sex Secrets From The Past
 What Is An Orgasm?
 How To Have Amazing Orgasms
 The Chemistry Of Love
 Games You Can Play
 Tantric Sex
 Pregnancy and Babies
 Sensual Poetry by Ishfold
 I Dream Of You
 Snow Mouse
 All Is Vanity
 Flight Of Birds
 It Isn't Natural
 White Cat
 In the Shadow Of Her Hat
 Shy One
 The Freckle
 Wotta Works Shops
 Wotta Works
 The Green Cat
 Wotta Works Services Shoppe
 Wotta Waters Perfumery
 Spells & Magickal Services
 Tarot & Divination
 Custom Spell-Work
 Occult Advice
 Soul Insurance Services
 Soul Insurance Testimonials
 Free Samples of Heaven, Hell and Much. Much More - Holographic Downloads
 Submit Your ™T-Empirica Testimonials
 Read The ™T-Empirica Testimonials Here!
 Testimonials for Spells and Magickal Services
 The Well of Wotta
 What Happens When I Die, Dame Wotta Tripp?
 Magick Godmother Service
 How To Apply For Godchild Status
 Apply For Godchild Status
 Submit Your DNA Sample Here
 The Happy Godchild Fridge Art Gallery
 Magick Godmother Service Testimonials
 Wotta Tripp Invisible College Of Magick
 WOTTICOM Curriculum
 Letter Writing Services
 About Your Personal Letter
 Personal Letter Order Form
 Eliminate Your Crooked Business Partner
 Fire Your Hideous Boss
 Dump Your Cheating Lover
 Lose Your Selfish Unreliable Friend
 Permanently Alienate The Mother-in-Law From Hell
 I'm Very, Very Sorry
 Will You Marry Me?
 Letter Writing Service Testimonials
 You Need A Darn Good Telling Off!
 Order A Darn Good Telling Off!
 Craig Dooley - the 'Darn Good Telling Off' you ordered has now arrived
 Cy Hunnicutt, The 'Darn Good Telling Off' You Ordered Has Arrived!
 Twyla Pipstaff - The 'Darn Good Telling Off' You Ordered Has Now arrived
 Written Confession
 Absolution Granted!
 Wottribution Has Begun!
 The Dungeon
 Punishment Testimonials
 Did The World End In 2012, Dame Wotta Tripp?
 Beyond 2012 Questions With Answers From Dame Wotta Tripp
 Absolutely Scandalous! - Dame Wotta Tripp's Internet Forum
 Join Absolutely Scandalous! - Wotta Tripp's Internet Forum
 WTF Radio
 Contact Dame Wotta Tripp by Ouija Board
 Advice Letters
 What The Dickens?
 4-Bottle Technique
 Talk Backwards to Me
 Ostrich Leather
 Seeing Eye to Eye on Fidelity Issue
 Delirious Fetish Dressing for Wedding Salads
 Stealing People Is Wrong
 Absolute Loyalty Demanded By Goat Flayer
 Wotta Tripp Is Too Late!
 Amazing Fortune at Bus Stop!
 A Slight Magical Hiccup
 Tantric Mishaps Reveal Inadequate Companion
 Fowl Play
 Swarming With Dwarfs At The 'Ferrets Revenge'!
 Where Do Men Store Their Egos? Straight Shooting Advice
 Pale, Hairless and Would Never Fit In Anyway.
 Demonic Terror Unleashed
 When it Comes to the Crunch
 I Know Where You Live
 Liquored-Up Beasts
 The Dreadful Secrets of Dust
 Dear Dam Wotta Tipp Lady
 Floating Posers Make Retinal Fairies Take Flight!
 Me sheila’s Missing
 Scrupulously Clean Bottom
 In and Out
 Darkness Gathers
 Co-Respondent in Detroit
 Concrete Proof is in the Graham Pudding
 Time to Join the Real World, Baby
 Soul Services
 Man Killed by Enraged Cabbage Whites
 Advice Column Testimonials
 Site Map
 Terms of Use and Site Policy
 Site Privacy Policy