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How Can I Save My Relationship?

January 2012
Written by: Dame Wotta Tripp

Is There Still Hope For Us?

Today, many marriages are found to have suddenly ended. Nobody is quite sure why, but nothing worked out the way either partner had originally expected and hoped.

One of the main reasons for this sad state of affairs is that one or both people involved held completely unreasonable expectations or dreams regarding what the relationship would or should be like.

If this has happened to you, think carefully.

So Sad!
Did you let your partner know about your stranger habits?
What about the things you expected from one another. Were they thoroughly discussed?
Or did one or both of you go ahead and assume, perhaps unreasonably, that it would just be a certain way?

Let's look more closely at this issue for a moment.

Perhaps it's because many of your dreams and expectations were formulated very long ago, before you met your lover, somewhere way back in your strange and troubled childhood, where your most treasured beliefs and ideals were cosseted and nurtured and began to take form in your young and impressionable mind.

It matters not whether they were born of joy or adversity, because once birthed they grew at an alarming speed and soon they had staked a claim for your entire brain, and one day you may well wish you had aborted them all before they took such firm root.

Once established they proceeded to clamp down on your natural desire to question everything, cutting down the spreading trees of logic and reason and planting instead an army of bigot weed, proud grass, dogma thorn, vanity vetch and the versatile and hardy faulty-thinking shrub.

Your problems become perennially ingrained into your personality. Most people believe that their personalities and themselves are one and the same thing, but this simply isn't true.

Nevertheless, you are what you are, and this is a problem that will reflect like a souped-up disco-ball into all of your relationships, and most especially your romantic ones.

Sometimes after only a few days in a new relationship, and certainly by the time you have begun married life, minor conflicts will have appeared. These warning signals are often ignored in the blissfulness of a new love, and the deeper issues go unresolved.

Do you have disturbing and off-putting habits? Are you a continual embarrassment to your loved one? Do your activities compromise their happiness or well-being?

Or is it the other way around?

Time passes and the stresses of trying to have a rewarding family life on planet Earth take their inevitable physical, emotional and financial toll, or in many cases even sound the final death knell.

This is often when Bitterness sees a gaping breach in the walls of love and creeps in, ragged tail between its slightly damp, bowed, hairy, muscular legs, preparing to take up squatters rights.

Bitterness is an unappealing beast, slinking around the outskirts of your life, shedding odiferous clumps of matted fur and leaving fewmets on your kitchen and living-room floor, perhaps even in your bed!

Even if bitterness seems to have a justifiable cause, it does harm to the one that holds it as much as to the one that receives it as a destructive attitude.

Often one or both partners will begin to think about separation.

Some people are just plain old mentally disturbed. Insecure and needy, they may become hell to live with.

It is not easy to keep relationships alive and healthy, and let's face it, some of them should have been strangled at birth. Nevertheless, you should make some kind of effort, especially if you have invested a lot of time in your partnership and there are also children involved.

If you strongly wish to save your relationship and stop a divorce or separation, you should begin to look more closely at yourself.

What can you do to make necessary changes? What do you really want? Have you been fair and honest with your partner?

While trying to improve yourself is commendable, a marriage is a joint venture and it will certainly take both partners to redeem it.

Some possible factors that can affect your relationship are:

• Addictive behaviours
• Childhood issues
• Broken trust
• Boredom
• Infidelity
• Poor communication
• Emotional or physical abuse
• Absence of sex
• Lack of affection
• Lack of appreciation

Once the reasons have been identified, the next step is attempting to solve them. You should begin by identifying your options.

A caring partner has the capacity to listen and to feel empathy and so try to understand. Good communication skills will help both of you a lot.

You should try to keep calm and talk through the problems. When your partner is talking with you, you should ask related questions and clarify all the issues as lovingly as possible, even if you feel instead very much like doing them some compelling damage.

Killing or maiming them will only compound your problems at this point.

If you are not able to resolve the problems in your relationship, or if one or both of you cannot discuss matters calmly or deal with your problems without resorting to shouting, smashing things or leaping at the other person, then it's best and safest to consult a relationship counsellor together to seek professional advice.

Counselling can aid couples trying to improve their communication skills and uncover hidden problems and issues, as well as presenting new tools and techniques to help deal with them all.
Sometimes getting professional help with anger management issues is advisable.

You can also decide to have a trial separation which serves to allow both parties time to cool down, think about all the terrible problems they face, the heavy load of mistakes that have been made, the accumulations of mutual guilt, irritation and resentment and the almost insurmountable problems that still have to be faced in order to stay together.

The lies, infidelities, money problems, health problems, career challenges, legal hurdles, arguments, issues with the relatives, addictions and other heart-stressing, physically draining and emotionally devastating activities you have shared together through all the miserable and lonely years.

Of course, this is what true love is really all about, and it is also very true that in the end, love does conquer all.

Or nearly all of us, anyway.



Go Back To Night Letters


Dame Wotta Tripp gives advice on saving a rocky relationship.




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