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Floating Posers Make Retinal Fairies Take Flight!
October 29 2011
Written by: Dame Wotta Tripp Advice
When All the Faires Go Away...
Dear Dame Wotta Tripp,
When I was a small child growing up in my country village I was rather well known as 'the girl that can see fairies'. For many years these small delightful creatures of light would fly before me everywhere I went, and I would spend hours talking about them to my friends and answering their questions as best I could. Years later I was diagnosed as having a large quantity of retinal debris, but was told that the condition would improve as I became older. Now I have no fairies left, but admit that I do miss them. Do you believe there are real fairies, and how can I get them back into my life again? Wistfully yours, Anon. Dear Anonymous, It was so nice to read your charming letter. There are several types of genuine fairies.What we won’t deal with here are the incredibly annoying small fluttery ones that float across your monitor screen every time you visit a site that purports to know about the genuine article. 
Next comes the sprinkling of ‘magic sparkle dust’, impeding movement and vision
should you wish to continue more deeply into the netherworld of ‘Trixie’s Fairy Palace - Portal to
Enchantment’.
This confuses a person for just long enough for music to begin playing at an extreme volume before one has a chance to back out of the site. This music invariably sounds like 15 babies all micturating side by side into aluminum potties of various sizes.
I hope that none of my readers would ever venture further than this onto a site of
this nature anyway, especially without ear protection and travel sickness medication.
You will not find fairies in such a place.
But back to your problem, which I can now partially solve for you.
In accordance with the laws of the sector of the galaxy we're presently holed up in, solving your problem will create two more problems, which is only right and proper, as fairies do like to see us confused, especially while eating a lot of butter, which they’re good at. You had floaters, now cleared from your retinal system. Unfortunately, your floaters are probably gone for ever, but you may comfort yourself with the fact that fairies are indeed real, and also perceived by many to be quite a problem. I know many people who see them all the time. It’s a matter of knowing where to look for them, as with any rare creature. Please do remember that unlike the imaginary Tinkerbells, they can be larger than humans and hostile on occasion. They’ve been known to abduct, murder and possibly eat us, as well as using us in breeding programs to freshen their semi-compatible bloodlines. Get one of those rushing at your eye in a hurry and you’ll be seeing lights, alright! If you’re sure you want them in your life, and don't mind two more problems, leave fresh butter and cream in a beautiful bowl every night, out of reach of pets and other animals and play interesting, mysterious music. Twisted Sister’s ‘Burn In Hell’ does not count as such. As well, they, like myself, enjoy sparkly things, and I would imagine, also like myself, plenty of hot curries and elderflower champagne. Hope this helps, Dame Wotta Tripp    
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